“Adapts to change well”

What they really meant:

Hopefully… is about to be fired.

“Works well under pressure”

What they really meant:

Only starts anything the day before the deadline

“Maintains a positive attitude when under stress”

What they really meant:

Ambivalent

“Is a good corporate citizen”

What they really meant:

Doesn’t question me

“Is an active listener”

What they really meant:

Takes out one iPod headphone when I ask them something

“Can be depended on”

What they really meant:

Has few other interests outside of work

“Manages time well”

What they really meant:

Has a light workload

“Seeks out responsibility”

What they really meant:

Megalomaniac. Sort of like Napoleon.

“Pays attention to details”

What they really meant:

Anally retentive

“Constantly seeks professional development opportunities”

What they really meant:

Needy